London Grip speculates about some film ideas which, sadly, never proceeded beyond the concept stage…

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London Grip’s new  Research & Rumour Department has recently unearthed a tatty but legible sheet of paper bearing a scrawled list of brief screenplay synopses.  While the contents remain unverified, we felt that our readers would probably like to amuse themselves by imagining how the films might have turned out had they ever gone into production…

 

Pied Grit or The Wreck of the Stagecoach. John Wayne plays Gerard Manley Hopkins seeking vengeance after some nuns are overcharged by Wells Fargo.

Flying down to Tangmere in which Fred Astaire portrays Douglas Bader with Laurel & Hardy in a support role as Goebbels & Goering.

The Importance of Being an African Queen. Oscar Wilde (Humphrey Bogart) flees to the dark continent to escape impending scandal. He is pursued down the Zambesi by the Marquess of Queensberry and Lord Alfred Douglas, both heavily disguised (Katherine and Audrey Hepburn)

The Greatest Trigger Ever Pulled. Charlton Heston plays himself as he leads the NRA through the wilderness of gun control legislation and cuts through the sea of pinko lefty liberal protestors.

A Night to Distemper. Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a deck hand on the Titanic who spots the iceberg before anyone else and tows it away with his teeth before coming back to finish repainting the First Class Saloon in a delicate shade of Eau-de-Nil

The Ragged Trousered Philatelist in which Rowland Hill (Buster Keaton) grows up in poverty but makes his fortune by inventing the unperforated stamp – the penny black – that became so much in demand among collectors.

One flew over Pooh Corner. Jack Nicholson plays the grown-up Christopher Robin, institutionalised with severe psychological damage due to the public exposure of his whimsical childhood games. One of his symptoms is a refusal to use the bathroom.

The Battle of the Little Big Horn. Errol Flynn stars in this story of one man’s struggle to enforce noise abatement laws in a city dominated by motor cars.